i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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