she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
