I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
