Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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