you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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