In America we eat man semen.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
