youre lurking in front of me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
