she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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