He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
