you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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