Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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