I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
