I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
