Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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