you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
