rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
