I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
