I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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