I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
