i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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