i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
