eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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