Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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