I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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