my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
