So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
