I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
