Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
