Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
