How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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