I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
