Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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