i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
