I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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