you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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