rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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