just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
