mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
