After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
50% drunk capacity currently
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
