I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
