Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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