Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
