So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
