1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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