WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
