Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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