He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
