and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
