Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
