i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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