I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
