sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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