Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My boob is missing a layer of skin
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
