Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
