friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
