No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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