My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
