Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just googled if crying burns calories
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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