Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
