You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
