I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
