The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
