what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
