so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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