Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
