I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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