In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't want my vagina anymore.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
