I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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