my phone needs a breathalizer
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Randomize
